HUMOR

This is down home humor.  
It will not meet the grubby standards of the filthy mouthed gang...
As Harry Truman said:
"They are always looking for a bug under the chip."

Beware:  Stories which are supposed to be true
are always suspect at best.  
Legends are like that, you know.  
So, enjoy, but don't take it too seriously.

Three jokes from a New Zealand musician:

How do trumpet players greet each other?
“High, I’m better than you.”

How do you improve the aerodynamics on a trumpet player’s car?
Take the Dominos pizza sign off the roof.

What is the difference between an onion and a clarinet?
The clarinet doesn’t make you cry when you chop it up into little pieces.

CALGARY HICKS HAVE PROBLEMS TOO

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"

With love and understanding in his voice, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A DOG'S LIFE

Fido and Pluto, the local bull dogs, went down town for a stroll. They came to a dance hall and stopped and looked in the window. After a while Fido said, "You know, Pluto, if we acted like that they would want to worm us."

Sausages

Two sausages were dropped into a hot frying pan for breakfast. Immediately the first sausage yelled, "Help, it's hot, it's hot."

The second sausage heard this and yelled, "Help, save me from this talking sausage."

Brand New 2003 Edition of "You might be a Southern redneck if........"

1. Your Southern Babtist Church house has an ash tray on the right side of the front steps and a spittoon on the left.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
And last, but not least...
31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is.

WISDOM FROM "A HIGHLY PLACED SOURCE"

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --
Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --
Brooke Shields

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it," --
A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --
John Wayne

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --
Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --
Dan Quayle

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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --
George Bush, US President

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --
Lee Iacocca

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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth.
I assisted in furthering that version." --
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --
Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
Al Gore, VP

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --
Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2002 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances." --
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed
and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A BACON TREE ALREADY ! !

Back in the wild west days, a California bound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.

The wagon master rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon master.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.

Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the wagon master, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassle of tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

Thanks Tom Walker-- You never send a dud :-)

Hu's on First
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We take you now to the Oval Office....

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft.....
Today, it's called golf.

SETTING TEACHER STRAIGHT

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher  said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little
girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"  
The little girl replied....
"Then you ask him".

:-)

Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.  As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like." The girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

:-)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher. She's dead."

:-)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A
little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

1. Prosecute the Indians who rode the horse.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other schools to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. "In service" retraining for the horse.

10. Increasing the horse's health, pension, and vacation benefits. If you don't the dead horse many join a union.

11. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

12. Providing additional funding and more oats in the feed bucket to reward the dead horse for better performance.

13. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

14. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line than some other horses.

15. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

16. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Zeb in the Army

Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus,
Bald Buzzard Ridge,
RFD 2, Pikesville, TN

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. ,
( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, grits, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "forced marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. The Sergeant likes me a lot causin I showed him the right way to clean grease pits in a hurry, and he lets me do it instead of standing guard duty. Get done in a couple minutes and have time to go to the PX.

We done a "bivwack" last week. The thang was that we took a short walk twenty miles to set up camp and live in the woods fer a week. The action was as nice as dinner on the grounds at the Methodist Church. I shot two squirrels with my rife, and the Sergeant got pretty mad. He said we ain't allowed to shoot at food but only Ayrabs. I ain't seen an Ayrab yet no how, but I bet they ain't as good as squirrel and taters.

This next thang will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmonk and don't move. Only half a ridge and holler away too. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.

You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,

Zeb

FROM CHURCH BULLETINS:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The pastor will preach his farewell message,
after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands."

WIENIES IN A CAN:

I am pleased to inform you that Big Lots, alias McFrugal's, carries a product called "P______ B____ smoked sausage." This is the wee can for $ .50 which has about eight small pallid wiener type sausages in it and a lot of semi-ambulating gelatinous substance to add weight and make the 5 oz. content claims legal.

We bought some of these in tiny tins, having previously feasted on other brands of this source of animal byproducts and preserving chemicals. Having gotten a real taste for the genuine chemicals over the years, we were very put off by the flavor of P______ B____ porkies. They tasted like the south end of the cow walking north.

So, in desperation, and at great sacrifice, we gave them to Tessa, our faithful boxer dog. She ate them and promptly threw up. This worried us a bit-- Not that we had eaten such alleged food, but the fact that we did NOT throw up made us wonder. I fear we have become hardened to the cuisine of modern food peddlers and have lost our ability to respond normally.

Well, we decided, in good American fashion, to check the contents of the can AFTER we had partially eaten the contents. Smart, eh? Here are the healthy and nutritious ingredients:

Mechanically separated chicken, water, beef tripe, pork skins, pork spleens, salt, no more than 2% soy protein isolate, pork stomachs, flavorings, sodium phosphate, sodium nitrite, oleoresin of paprika, and smoke flavoring.

Now, I can eat almost anything you serve me, but I want to know who cleaned the tripe. I have to wonder if the same machine that separated the head of the chicken from the "protein rich" toes also did the beef tripe. That machine may need a fine tuning folks. Also, I am concerned to learn I have been eating all the remains left behind by the hog after it left the Chicago Mercantile to be raised to distinction as a honey roasted ham.

The only thing in the above list which I recall eating without some offense, at a Chinese restaurant in Los Angeles, is the soy protein, and these people only let me have a measly 2% at that. Flavorings-- You better believe it bunky-- That stuff had flavor, but was it essence of floor sweepings, or was it last weeks chicken lips? The smoke flavor was totally overwhelmed by plumbing parts, or else I could have endured it. Smoke flavoring is an old American addition of prepared food which tells us that something strange was dropped in the cooking vat by accident, and the makers need something to cover the results. It works with almost everything except burning the toast, which is why we invented fire alarms.

Never mind, folks, The US Department of some sort of thing is watching out for us, and I am sure they would not let us eat something dangerous for our health. I can ssure youu that eathing theeese gooddd goo fooo goof foods (there, I got it) has no adverrsee effffects on you.

Want a fright? Check out your chorizo! Ugh! "Chorizo" must be Spanish for "R" rated parts of el puerco. No wonder they add half a pound of chili pepper.

[ For purposes of fairness to P_______ B____, this item was meant only in good clean fun, at least as clean as the tripe. In defense of the guilty, we note that P_______ B____ are the only people who have been honest enough to tell us, in plain English, what is in their product. All other tiny wiener makers use the same "select ingredients." Many other food processors have fooled the masses by calling these wieners "Vienna Sausages," which sounds so sophisticated and classy that most of you never asked a question, right?

This is like calling horse manure "road apples." ]

Bon Appétit

SPELL CHECKERS OF THE WORLD--
UNTIE! Caste off thee oh Prussian of thee messes.

 

Pat and Mike up the Their Old Tricks

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang

"Hallo! Mr Hussein," a heavily accented voice said "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command"

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"

Once more Saddam sighed "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"

"Really?!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million"

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back. Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day "Right Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners"

Bufford has got the Shingles

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line.

Bufford walked into a doctor's office the other day, and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bufford said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bufford what he had.

Bufford said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bufford to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Bufford what he had.

Bufford said, "Shingles."
So she gave Bufford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Bufford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bufford what he had.

Bufford said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

Bufford said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Federal Double Speak

Government officials say -- And what they really mean:

--- Essentially Complete -- It's half done

--- Potential show stopper: -- The team has updated their resumes.

--- Serious but not insurmountable problems: -- It'll take a miracle...

--- Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk: -- 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

--- Results are being quantified: -- We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

--- Not well defined at this time: -- Nobody's even thought about it.

--- Still analyzing the requirements: -- See previous answer.

--- Task force to review: -- 7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

--- Not well understood: -- Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

--- Requires further analysis and management attention: -- Totally out of control! 

Show and Tell:

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish to pass."

Have you hear about Tiger Woods winning the U.S. Open Golf Tournament?
Pretty big win, right?

I recall an even "bigger" match that he won awhile back. Let's see…This was back when Benjamin Netanyahu was leader of Israel.

Golf: Religiously Represented The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

You know you are in a country church if:

Prayer requests about the weather are part of every service.
The pastor is wearing boots.
Paul Stahl isn't, but you can still catch the whiff of the hog barn.
High notes on the organ set the dogs in the parking lot to howling.
In the annual stewardship drive there are at least two pledges of calves.
Black buggies, lazy horses, and Nunc Danka are everywhere.
The pastor has never had to buy meat or vegetables.
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
The church directory doesn't need last names.
Finding the lost sheep is not just a parable.
"Potluck" is a better blessing than a five star restaurant.
You stayed overnight at the church house last Sunday due to a blizzard.
"Dinner on the grounds"-- IS!
CCM stands only for Corn Cob Mix-- Shipped to Europe for livestock.
Last Sunday evening turned into a ladies' prayer meeting because Fred
        Yoder's hay was still in wind rows-- a wall cloud was coming.
Four generations of one family sit in one pew every Sunday.
After Sunday evening service the people won't go home.
There are coal oil lamps still up on a shelf-- just in case.
They still have a "Revival Week" every year and preach hell fire.

Editor: I know-- I was there-- In Briertown and Salina, Oklahoma.
And, Lord, let me go back some day please.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Bufford was walking through the graveyard late one night.  

He saw an open grave, and in it was a candle lit and flickering.  On closer examination, Bufford saw that there was a man in the bottom of the grave.  He asked him his name.  
"My name is Johann Bach," came the reply.  
Then Bufford noticed that Johann held a stack of papers and seemed to be erasing something.
"Wow," said Bufford, "But you have all those sheets of paper, and you are erasing them furiously, Johann.  Why are you doing that?"  
Johann said, "Be quiet please, I am decomposing."

More accurate sayings:

When in Rome - look out for the taxis.
Too many cooks - fight in the kitchen.
Many hands - get chapped.
If at first you don't succeed, - put it back in the box.
The organization will expand to overflow all imaginable space.
A stitch in time saves - major embarrassment.
Look both ways before - scarfing left-overs.
Never put off until tomorrow - what you can order the kids to do today.
Speak softly and - most people won't even notice you're talking.
A penny saved - will sit on the dresser for years.
A clean desk is a sign - that someone is going to be really mad.
He who laughs last - will probably be laughed at.
Cold hands - will startle the patient.
A watched pot - is better viewing than T.V.
Better late than - 6 ft. under.
Early to bed and early to rise makes one - look forward to Saturday.
The last one in the tub - gets the dirtiest water.
Always look on the bright side - and your eyes will probably start hurting.
Beauty is in the eye of the - new mother.
Don't judge a book by it's - color.
Parting is such sweet sorrow, I fain would say good-bye - quick and get out of here.
Behind the clouds - is an airplane waiting to land.
It's always darkest - when one of the kids is sick in the night.
No news - leaves room for worry.
Haste makes - more spilled milk.
Don't make mountains out of - dirty laundry.
If you can't beat them - tell Mom they aren't playing fair.
It never rains but - the kids are super hyper.
There is many a slip between the - brain and the mouth.

SNOW BIRDS MAKING THEIR FIRST TRIP SOUTH FOR THE WINTER--

The following checklist has proven useful for Northerners visiting or relocating to the Southern US states:

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of root beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from round heeya, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

A Country Boy Learns Music

- 12 Tone Scale = The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

- A 440 = The highway that runs around Nashville

- Aeolian Mode = How you like Mama's cherry pie

- Altos = Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

- Arpeggio = "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

- Bach Chorale = The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

- Bass = The things you run around in softball

- Bassoon = Typical response when asked what you hope to catch

- Bossa Nova = The car your foreman drives

- Cadenza = That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

- Cello = The proper way to answer the phone

- Clarinet = Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

- Clef = What you try never to fall off of

- Bass Clef = Where you wind up if you do fall off

- Conductor = The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

- Cut Time = Parole

- Cymbal = What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

- First Inversion = Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

- Major Scale = What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Whew! That was a major scale!"

- Melodic Minor = Loretta Lynn's singing dad

- Minor Third = Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

- Perfect Pitch = The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

- Portamento = A foreign country you've always wanted to see

- Quarter Tone = What most standard pickups can haul

- Relative Major = An uncle in the Marine Corps

- Relative Minor = Your brat cousin who is 18 years younger than you.

- Repeat = What you do to abd ground that is worn out from over farming.

- Ritard = There's one in every family

- Sonata = What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

- Staccato = How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

- Tempo = Good choice for a used car

- Time Signature = What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

- Transpositions = Men who wear dresses

- Treble = Women ain't nothin' but

- Tuba = A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

- Whole Note = What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

Secret to Long Life

The old cowboy was dying and his young grandson was visiting at his bedside.

"Grandpapa, can you tell me one thing?"

"Yes son, what do want to know," said the old cowboy

"Grandpapa, how did you live so long?"

"Well, son," the cowboy said in a dry raspy voice, from too many hard winters in the Texas panhandle, "You just sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning and you'll live for a long, long time."

The young man faithfully did what his Grandpapa told him and he lived to be 93, had 14 kids, 28 grandkids, 53 great grandkids and blew the doors off the oven when they tried to cremate him.

Manure

Bufford was taking a load of manure in his farm wagon over to the neighbor's farm.  He had to go past the mental hospital on the way, and a fellow was hanging on the fence on the inside watching Bufford come along.  

When Bufford got right up near this inmate, the guy called out, "Hey, mister, where you going with that load of manure?"

Bufford say, "I'm going over to my neighbors, and we are going to put it on his strawberries."

The inmate said, "I feel sorry for you sir.  You should be in here-- We have whipped cream on our strawberries."

The Dead Mule

A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.

The mayor got mad at first, but he said, "You know Reverend, I am on my way to a mayor's convention in Knoxville, and the President himself will be there.  I think he will know what to do about the dead mule."

The mayor loaded the Preacher into his private jet and they arrived at the Mayor's Convention.  The Mayor introduced the Preacher to President Clinton. President Clinton immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you bother me with this problem any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused briefly, then said, "Yes, Mr. President, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

 

Beddy By Time

Scottsdale, Arizona -- A neighbor hears screams coming from a house.
Authorities arrive to find a woman inside, trapped in her sleeper sofa.
She says it just snapped shut on her, and it took paramedics 4 hours to get this woman out of her own sleeper sofa.

Showing the Russians Modern America
[  Folks, I promise, this has been vouched to be a true account.  ]

Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went over board to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way.

Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.

However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped.

Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks.

First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder

Arkansas--A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.

When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"

The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked.

When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!

This is a West Virginia Marvel Motor Home owned by Johnny the Baptist.

 

A Little Known Fact about the Titanic

Many are the stories of New York, many of London, and I suspect that there are a good many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. One, for example, is that most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Thanks to Vernon and Zofia Legg

A lesson from Mexico

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat.  With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,.  Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could play your guitar with your amigos."

U-huh?

QUESTION AND ANSWER TIME
"IN HIGH PLACES"
By Steve Van Nattan

The following answers were given in mind if not in body
by certain highly placed people--
well, sort of.

THE QUESTION:  "Did you do it?"

THE ANSWER:  [ Variously given by the guilty ]

Bill Clinton: "Absolutely not. Now, if you were to rephrase the question, I would have to take responsibility for the answer in another context."

Hillary Clinton:  "Listen, you bigot-- Vince Foster was a very good friend, and I would not do him any harm.  Now, would you care to take a little walk with me in the park?"

Al Gore:  "No, I did NOT do it.  Furthermore; I will never do it again."

Newt Gingerich:  "First tell me something--  What is the fine if I admit it, and what is the fine if I deny it?"

George Bush:  "Look here now, if I throw the election to Bill Clinton will you drop  the question of who shipped AIDS to Africa?"

Janet Reno:  "No, we could not avoid gassing the little children as we rescued the little children at Waco."

Mayor Barry:  "No, I am not a dope pusher.  But let me say this, YES, I am a dope pusher. Then again, I am against dope."

Director of the CIA:  "How much do you know about the question you just asked?  Do you realize you broke Top Secret Security by simply asking that question?"

Richard Nixon:  "No, my buddies did NOT tape the door lock, and they can be trusted to do it again."

Queen Elizabeth:  "Preposterous!  Arrange for Di's death.  Absolutely, well sort of, well........  Let me answer that more carefully after lunch please."

Tony Blair:  "Try to push the USA into war?  How tragic that you should ask.  How like an American to ask that.  How could I possibly push Bill Clinton into war with Sudan, er.... Saddam, er.... Bosnia, er.....  Would you restate the question please."

Prince Charles:  "Huh?"

President Habibi:  "Certainly not, I am convinced that my dear Mullah friends would not possibly tell the Muslims at prayer to kill Chinese Christians in Indonesia.  Well, which Mosque were you talking about anyway?"

Netanyahu:  "Of course not-- Bulldoze the whole West Bank?--  We could not even consider that-- At least not until the bulldozer is repaired."

Jesse Jackson:  "A girl friend in every hotel?  What a racist question.  My wife was with me at the Chicago Hilton, so you lie to say EVERY hotel."

Monica:  "ME with an STD?  How stupid can you get?  I may have a little allergy to nicotine, but not an STD."

Jesse Helms:  "Me, get contributions from lesbians in Atlanta????  Excuse me, I think my pager just went off...."

Billy Graham:  "Well, I may have said there is no hell, then again, I may have said there is.  We all know that answering questions like this is really hell."

Rodney Howard Browne:  "What a dumb question!  Ha Ha, He He, Ho Ho, Ugawoonga boonga dapple dink bat inna innga winnga up the arroyo already, and I shall stand by that answer in any court of law."

Benny Hinn:  "Before I answer that question, let me say this--  Did you eat your yogurt and banana yet today?  No??  Well then, how do you expect to understand what I meant by that spirit filled message?"

Mr. Moon:  "Yes, I am God, but I think the IRS is somewhat more godlike than I am-- They put me away in prison anyway."

President Kimball in Salt Lake:  "Yes, God has a wife and is in bed with her right now, but I must admit that I don't understand that very well."

Dr. James Dobson:  "Absolutely maybe.  I believe firmly that when we said that, we were on the hyperbola of infinite median potentiality, and given the incongruous instabilities of pedantic verbosity, we must absolutely insist on otherwise."

Promise Keepers' Bill Mc Cartney to Bill Bright:  "No, we do not want your money, and YES, we do want your money, and MAYBE we can keep going, if SORT OF you write a big check."

Alan Greenspan:  "No, the economy is NOT going to collapse, and to prove it I am lowering the prime interest rate to .005%."

All five Saddam Husseins answer:  "No, we don't ever want to gas you Americans, and that is a firm commitment until tomorrow evening."

Yassir Arafat:  "No, we will not over-run Israel.  Walk on them a little, yes-- But no running will be permitted."

Jerry Adams:  "Bomb innocent people?  How horrible!  Well, at least how pretty bad.  Well, how possibly naughty.  Well, how possible.  Well, THROW THE BOMB Pat!"

Prince William:  "Who me?  A Spencer and a Stewart?  Me?  Put on the Stewart kilt after they corronate me?  Do you think I was unconscious when they snuffed me Mum?"

Prince Philip:  "Excellent question.  Next?"

Rush Limbaugh:  "Of course he did not do it.  Republicans NEVER chase whores and abscond with the funds.  Furthermore; you have to put up with some things to get Republicans into office, but it is worth it."

Bill Clinton:  "The militia shot the plane down.  Would you believe there were Arabs spotted on the ground nearby?  Uh, how about if I tell you that you are next?  See, I knew you would understand."

Tipper Gore:  "What, me worry?"

Kenneth Copeland:  "Who, me a witch?  Me a Freemason?  Me a mana wana boolong oane a goomong aba doogle biddy.  And now, look at verse 4 in our text...."

Pope John Paul II:  "Speaking for God, let me say that we don't need to answer that question.  Uh, did you say we spent $800 million settling for molestations in the USA alone?  That kind of loss is intolerable, oh yes, and the bad boys need to be moved to a mission in Bangladesh at once."

Mother Teresa:  "Tell me again, why is it so hot here?"

Henry Kissinger:  "Ve alvays answer da qvestions dat you nice bigots ask, but vhen ve do answer dem, vhat do you do?  You print our answer in da morning paper, so ve are too busy to answer today mitout consulthing da tink tank."

Bo Gritz:  "No, I did not shoot myself on purpose.  I was trying to see if a bullet was coming out of the gun."

Paul Crouch:  "My my, I don't think we have been so blessed as we are to answer that question. What an opportunity to give the right answer.  Why, four billion people around the world will hear the answer to the question by satellite TV!  We now have six bars in Upper Slabovia on cable TV and tuned to our program. We do pray and trust that the correct answer can be achieved soon.  But, dear faithful viewer, in order to answer that earth shaking question, I need 400 million dollars by next Tuesday.  Please help us keep the program on the air.  If we cannot answer this urgent and critical question, I believe that it will be your fault.  God came to me last night and stood at the foot of my bed and told me, 'Paul, you have to answer that question.'  Now, please write me a check right now so I can do what God told me to do."

Oral Roberts:  

"HEAL!  
See, you forgot the question, right?  
No?
Well, let's try again--  
HHHEEEEEAAALLLL BRUDER!  
Forget the question yet?  
No?  
Your problem is that you don't have enough faith, so I don't have to answer the question.  
Nyaaa nyaaa."

Franklin Graham:  "Now, get down front and repent of that stupid question, or I'll bust your head open with this Bible."

Things you will NEVER hear a Texan say:

Please trim the fat off my steak,

Wrasslin's fake,

Duct tape won't fix that,

No seconds on the pie, thank you,

Give me a small bag of pork rinds,

Uh, without hot sauce please,

The tires on my truck are too  big,

Elvis who?,

I couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today,

I've got it all on a floppy disk,

Everyone was passing me on the I-10.

A good man just don't need to carry a gun.

I don't know how to make Bar-B-Que sauce.

Dallas and Fort Worth are just one big happy city.

Overheard in a Houston, Texas cafe:

"Sam, what did your wife get you for your birthday?"

"Oh, she got me a set of five very fine golf clubs," says Sam.

His friend asks, "Sam, that don't sound like a full set do it?"

Sam says, "Well, five is a pretty good number really--

A golf club in San Antonio, one in Galveston, another in Lubbock, and two clubs in Fort Worth."

Some Counsel from the Country:

1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.

6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

7. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

8. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

9. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

10. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

11. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

12. Always drink upstream from the herd.

13. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

14. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

15. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

16. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

17. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

18. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is, but it's real important to know what it was.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

20. Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

21.  You really don't know your neighbor til you've
bailed hay with him while a wall cloud is bearing down on you.

22.  If you want to be one of the good old boys in town,
don't sit down at the round table at the Hilltop Cafe until Frank Hall invites you to.

23.  If you want to know the latest gossip, you must have something to contribute.
If you want something to contribute, drive real slow and look up every drive way as you pass by.

24.  If you are ever lost in the woods, the quickest way to fine your way out is to find a set of possum tracks.  
They will lead you straight to the highway.  Submitted by Randy Tyler

 

Recent History Lesson:
Governor Jesse Ventura hard at work motivating his staff

 

 

 

 

Pilots Needed

Bufford and Eustace went to apply for a job.  Bufford told the lady at the employment office that he was a pilot.  

She said, "I'm sure we can find you a job, sir.  Sit right over there until I'm done with the other folks."  

Eustace was right behind Bufford.  He told the lady he was a wood cutter.  

She told Eustace that  they couldn't find him a job on account of how most folks cut their own wood.  

So Eustace told her, "Lady, if  I don't cut it, Bufford over thar don't pilot."  

Now ain't that peculiar?

Tennis

Two little kittens were sitting by a tennis court in Paducah, Kentucky watching a tennis game.  

One kitten turned to the other and said, "That's my Pa there--  He's in the racket."

Have you Tasted....?

At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is  called "Baptist Day". It is a day when all the Baptists in the area are  invited to the school because they want the Baptist dollars to keep coming in.

On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy  picnic area. Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center. One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich.

Dr. Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours proving that the resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection  the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo,  because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact, never  rose from the dead in any literal sense. He then asked if there were any  questions.

After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-  cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back of the auditorium. "Docta  Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him. He  reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it.

"Docta Tillich ..." CRUNCH, MUNCH ... "My question is a simple question," CRUNCH, MUNCH ..."Now I ain't never read them books you read ... " CRUNCH,  MUNCH ... "and I can't recite the Scriptures in the original Greek ... "  CRUNCH, MUNCH ... "I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger ..." CRUNCH, MUNCH ... He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I  just ate -- was it bitter or sweet?"

Dr. Tillich paused for a moment and answered in exemplary scholarly fashion:  "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple."

The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled  paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus."

The 1,000 plus in attendance could not contain themselves. The auditorium  erupted with applause and cheers. Dr. Tillich thanked his audience and  promptly left the platform.

Have you tasted Jesus? In Psalm 34:8 O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. 9 O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

There once was a wise old man.....

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said. "I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

I Feel Fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

BREAKFAST AT THE HONG KONG HILTON

Breakfast

Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveller and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the "Far-East Economic Review":

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.

Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.

RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?

HG: Uh...yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?

HG: What?

RS: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?

HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?

HG: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An Santos?

HG: What?

RS: Santos. July santos?

HG: Uh. I don't know...I don't think so.

RS: No. Judo one toes?

HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.

RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?

HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?

HG: No. Juts put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?

HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

RS: Copy?

HG: I feel terrible about this but...

RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill--

HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

RS: One minnie. Ass rune torino fee, stangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

HG: Whatever you say.

RS: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.

HG: You're welcome.

The Atheist's Surprise

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . . She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

Eccl. 2:26 For God giveth to a man that is good in his sight wisdom, and knowledge, and joy: but to the sinner he giveth travail, to gather and to heap up, that he may give to good before God. This also is vanity and vexation of spirit.

MOISHE AND THE POPE

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.

Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

Smart Parrot

Bufford went on down to Walnut Bottom last Friday night to see what was selling at the Hinker Boys' Auction.  Well, they had a parrot there that a rich lady was selling, and Bufford kindly took a likin' to the critter.  When the auctioneer brought the bird around for bidding, Bufford asked him, "Charlie, kin that parrot really talk?"  Charley Hinker assured Bufford it could talk and was real smart.

Well, the bidding commenced, and Bufford jumped right in and stayed at it all the way.  Several folks were bidding, but when the bids hit about $300, it settled down to a real mean contest between Bufford and someone at the front of the room.  Bufford finally won the bid at $500 even, though he looked a bit pained as he walked to the auction office to pay for the thing.  When he got ready to pay, Bufford again asked the auctioneer, "Are you sure that parrot kin really talk Charlie?"

Charlie said, "Bufford, I know that parrot kin talk real well on account of how it was that parrot that was the one bidding against you."

AND NOW, WE LIVE IN ARIZONA

This is how it is in our state:

You know you're getting acculturated to Arizona when...

You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.

You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You see more irrigation water flowing down the street than there is in the Salt River.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

You can say 120 degrees without fainting.

You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.

You quickly discover (in July) that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

You can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in the microwave.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Tumacacori", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepague".

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.

Even businessmen in three piece suits carry squirt bottles of drinking water.

Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside (this DOES happen).

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

You can understand the reason for a town named "Why".

You say, "Huachuca," and no one says, "Gezunteit."

Driving 95 miles to save $5 on pinto beans sounds like a great bargain.

All the chrome names and logos on your new Datsun got licked off by some steers in Willcox.

The front lawn is dry as a bone, and the back yard just got a four inch downpour.

A Houston, Texas car just drove up and unloaded six cowboys, and everyone laughed at them.

You fear driving in Tucson, not because of drive by shootings, but because of the drivers on Kolb.

You ate an orange right off of the tree and puckered your mouth so bad you broke two front teeth.

Geriatric Physicians account for 75% of the GNP of the state.

Dust on your friends' furniture starts looking ambient.

You are driving 82 MPH on I-10, and everyone is passing you, except a '68 Ford from West Virginia.

All the medicine in your bathroom cabinet has labels in only Spanish, ¿si?

You learn that, "OK bye bye" is phone Spanish for "Good-bye."

Your two favorite colors are beige and copper patina.

You realise that the words, "Qué Paso?" are not followed by, "the butter."

Carrying a concealed weapon is not mentioned until your gun falls out of your pocket onto the sheriff's toe.

Jalapeños taste bland.

An abandoned copper mine and 600 miles of tailings are a major tourist attraction.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

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